again

I’m hurting.

I lay in my bed,

back to the door,

tears facing towards the wall, dripping down my pillow.

I can’t do anything right.

Head is pounding.

Cause I haven’t eaten?

Or cause my thoughts are eating me?

I guess we’ll never know.

My family comes to check on me,

I quickly wipe me tears again.

Eyes puffy, but they think I’m just tired

“maybe you should go to bed at a normal hour”,

or maybe, just maybe, they should pay more attention and I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings alone.

No

No

That’s to selfish.

I can deal with it on my own.

I always do.

I always will.

The thing that really hurts, is that,

They think they know their sweet little girl, always laughing, smiling and having fun.

But what they don’t know their depressed little girl, always laughing to forget the terrible thoughts, fake smiling and crying.

that’s okay,

I’ve felt worst pain.

[Delivered 1:23 am] I just feel like this is exactly what I was talking about the other night when I say I try to express things to u but it just starts an argument. I completely understand what u just said and all of that I understand 100% that I fucked up there and I’m sorry but you have to understand that you are a super hard person to read and there’s nothing wrong with that but I can never tell if your sad mad or whatever. All I’m asking is that you somewhat try to understand my point of view that I love you and care about u so much I just want to know like at least a little bit what’s going on with u and I can like respond from there. I always try to put myself in ur shoes when you express something like that to me to try to see where you’re coming from and I just feel like u don’t really try to understand my point of view sometimes

Read 1:27 am

[Delivered 1:34 am] I’m sorry- like I know I can’t keep blaming these fights on my emotions but like it really is it cause you know how much I love talking to you and laughing with you but that other side of me that I’ve been trying to control like hits sometimes and I’m sorry. But when I’m in those moods I don’t like to talk about them I like to talk about them the next day or whatever. And trust me I know like you want to help me but someone trying to push me to talk while upset DOESNT help at all so thank you but when I repeatedly say I don’t wanna talk I don’t. And yes I’m very sorry I will try to be more considerate towards your feelings but ngl sometimes your hard to read to because it sounds/ feels like in my point of view that you hid ur feelings to make me feel better or not to stress me out which is sounds like good but deep down it hurts cause I feel like you don’t trust me and like that’s why I got so defensive when we talked the other night and last night. So in conclusion, I’m really sorry and I honest don’t tend to make you upset the way I do and I fucking hate that you get upset by me a lot but like you see how I am with other people and see me not get that mad with my best friends but whatever I’m really sorry

Incoming call 3:03 am

Call ended 5:38 am

Doesn’t always end with I love you to.

We talked,

And talk,

And surprisingly kept talking.

The fucking ups and downs.

It was just a little argument that later turned into a war.

Bullets.

Bombs.

Tears.

It felt like gun shots to my heart.

No,

deeper.

my soul.

We’ve argued many of times before.

We never really finished them but we argued.

It was always something stupid like one of us being sensitive or the another one just being an asshole.

He’s hurt me before,

I ended it.

He was hurt.

I was hurt, not as much,but I was hurt.

I forgot about it,

I did things to get my mind off it.

He didn’t.

He let his emotions get to him

I knew I was stronger.

But that’s not the case this time.

He wouldn’t be here today,

But something didn’t go right.

He tried to escape,

God knew it wasn’t his time.

Time.

Time passes.

Today.

We needed to talk,

we talked and talked,

And we were still talking.

“I’m fine”.

Best lie in the book.

Good one,

Ya no.

It works for the outside,

deep down,

those words are just constantly ripping your soul apart every time it’s said.

Well anyway,

he finally opened up.

Things from years, even decades ago, they come up,

That’s okay I told him to talk to me,

He warned me and….

Send.

My heart shattered.

It just hurt so bad.

My eyes flooded with tears,

a river came out from each eye.

Hey..

That’s okay.

We all cry right?

That’s what I was told.

Something just didn’t hit right,

I just,

Idk.

Something triggered something.

The end results weren’t the best thing.

I’m not done,

I will not shut down,

I said my part.

He said his.

We all take in things differently,

Now we wait,

we wait for the future,

We wait for the road to take us on a journey.

My thoughts just take over sometimes like one thing will lead to another I second guess my self then boom I’m having a mental down and tears start running down my face I try to talk to people about it but no one will ever know what’s going on in my head, no one will ever know my true story or mental capacity of the world put me no one but god and I will understand what’s going on fuck I don’t even know fully what I think. Writing this stuff down relaxes me but I wanna to know no no I need to know what triggers these emotions. I might send this to someone then regret it a minute later because they something personal I feel like I let go and it hurts me that part of me that that person is reading and understanding how I’m feeling it took me so long to figure out and someone just hit it thrown to them with no questions asked idk this is such a weird thing sometimes I feel like I’m a waste of space and suicidal but I’m not it’s not that I have ever tried to actually do it but I have thoughts all the time and it’s awful not that’s it’s holding me back why did I just forget what I was saying ughh oh suicide I’m not but I am I have feelings see I’m fine right now I feel like it’s just my thoughts and myself on my phone but I feel like I just went through hell to get here and it’s like that every single time I get one of these break downs idk well I’m tired but o feel like somethings wrong with me but there’s not I feel like I’m different rom everyone thinking all the stuff in my head that no one will ever under and cause fuck I don’t even understand half the shit I’m typing right now I wish there was just a button that will explain everything that will happen in my head and it likes a puzzle I didn’t know how to sign this off but it was like a half break down not a full out cry one but more of a metal fuck

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton